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| My first ever rejection
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Category: Funny Stuff |
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Posted by:
kellyc
Date:
1/21/2008 3:48:00 PM
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| About kellyc: |
| Gender: |
Female |
| Age: |
34 |
| Country: |
South Africa |
| City: |
Gauteng |
| Description: |
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[ view profile ] |
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| I started living out loud because of a colleague named Sean, although to be fair my friend Ricky should take most of the credit. Ricky saw photos of me at my best friend's wedding, where I'd had my hair and make-up professionally done, got so excited he gave me enough confidence to do the unthinkable. 'Sweety! You need to get over your little confidence thing you have going, because you can have a.n.y man, that you want!'Being a veritable man magnet himself, his words held water. Oceans of it. For the next few days, I wondered around with his words playing and rewinding inside my head. I took a bleary eyed look around the gym one morning, from the safety of my treadmill which I'd queued for twenty minutes to secure. Any man I wanted?Ricky's considered beautiful by both men and women alike and considered offensively honest by me, there's no ways he'd lie to me about something as important as men. My gaze rested on skinny step machine man, going hell for leather on the stair monster. I always watched him out of morbid fascination. He wore ski pants for starters, and just that little bit too high so that it made the front do terrible things, sending your mind to places no mind should have to go.I moved on to the blonde personal trainer about to dive into the pool. Didn't fancy blonde men, but he had a six pack to die for. A purr rose from my voice box and I darted my eyes away the instant his met mine. This confidence thing was going to need some work.My Pilates teacher was undoubtedly yummy, but thinner than me, which automatically ruled him out. I'd feel like Big Bertha for the rest of my life, besides he moved with such grace that my inner gaydar beeped furiously every time he padded past me in class. It's not that I'm unusually fussy, it's just that no-one appealed to me on that level.Then it happened. The inner voice that'd been dormant for twenty-eight years spoke up and chose Sean. Unbelievably, I listened. On first meeting Sean, I thought he'd be a self-obsessed womanizer of note, I mean nobody looks that good and has a personality as well. But that was just it. Over the month's I discovered a devilish sense of humor, boyish charm and a quiet spirituality that intrigued me. He was intelligent too and used to phone into talk radio and answer listeners' questions to do with the speed of light, lunar movements and how lead gets into the centre of the pencil. Sean was the obvious choice.Now, I'm a woman who loves to surprise. However I did this, it was gonna have to be special. There was no way I could walk up to him and ask him out for drinks. It would have to scream it's me without being outwardly obvious. Whenever faced with a dilemma, in particular about love, I did what any girl with gay friends does. I went straight to the sisterhood - Ricks, Puppy and Greg, without whom life would be colorless. 'Wait until you're sure there's a mutual attraction' Greg said, and by the way he'd been flirting with me, I was sure there was at least that. Ricky was more cautious and painted the scenario of his turning me down, and my having to work alongside him day in and day out, feeling mortified. Look he definitely had a point, and it was precisely this kind of fear that held me back from doing anything that meant anything to me.'No!" I said, 'I'd feel worse if I never tried and for the rest of my life had to wonder what could've been Angel, that's exactly what I wanted to hear' Ricks said, chuffed with my new found attitude, created solely by him. Greg told me that one thing men like, is a woman who's direct, and Puppy (who's a sassy African American woman trapped in a white Tommy Hilfiger model's body) backed him all the way. 'Confidence comes from within babe, and don't you ever, ever give it away. Not to anyone! Even if this doesn't go like you hope it will' I knew it would though. I could have any man I wanted. Ricky said so, and I must say it felt spectacular.So I sent him a rose. I rushed out to the florist and ordered the delivery for Friday afternoon. It had to be Friday, that way if it went as expected, I'd have a dirty and sordid weekend ahead and if it bombed, I'd have 2 days in which to find a hypnotherapist to erase the entire ordeal from my memory.So there we were in our weekly staff meeting, when the receptionist came to the door with a long stemmed red rose and impish grin. 'Sorrah to interrupt!' he grinned, 'but this came for Sean! I've tried to analyse the writing but it must be the florists' Mental pat on the back for always e-mailing everything around the office. My efforts to remain mysterious and elusive were successful. Heart beating loudly and feeling distinctly Bridget Jonesish, I remained cool calm and collected. In fact, I was downright indifferent. Everything came to a standstill as he opened the card. You could hear a pin drop in the room. He read the note I'd written - ok my mom came up with the note, but it was cool, I promise - narrowed his eyes and re-read as people leaned forward on their seats. Not a trace of an expression though everyone scrutinized to be the first to spot it.'It's unsigned!" he stated, finally breaking the tension. Sighs of frustration circled the room. 'I have no idea who it's from, but I'll bloody well find out' he said, dropping the rose on the floor. My first inner alarm bell rang, but I was too hot and flushed to pay it much attention. Thank God for Gavin, our sales-man, who was raising his eyes up and down in Sean's direction. If not for him, there's no ways I could've explained my nervous and verging on hysterical laughter. How could he not know? I thought I'd left loads of clues in there! God! What was I thinking using my mother's poem? Things were so different in her day, it probably screamed Julie Andrews! (Mental picture of myself twirling under a brollie in the mountains, waxing lyrical about how very alive the hills are) No! it can't be! I bet he'll phone the florist and ask for a clue. Then all will be revealed, he'll confess he feels the same, the scene will change and we'll be sipping G&T's in Shady Pines, toasting to my great set of balls I'd had all those years back.Anyway, so I came back into focus with Gavin rabbitting on about how he's going to have to take a real hound out for lunch in order to secure the business, to which I nodded solemnly and pretended to write something in the minutes that I hadn't been taking for the last ten. Sean interrupted my frantic scribbling with 'I really can't concentrate now! Who's sending me roses?' She shoots! She scorrres! I'd tweaked his curiosity! There was only one way this could go from here, and I was feeling sassah! I scuttled back to my office, feeling flushed and giddy, to various e-mails from the sisterhood, ranging from Greg's God I mean it Kells! You tell me the instant! And I mean INSTANT it's delivered' to Puppy's 'woohoo! Amen! You sing it sistah!', which was in response to my 'sisterssssss are doin it for theymseylves!' that I'd sent out as a signal that all was going according to plan. My cell phone almost leapt off the table it rang with such urgency, it was Ricks, a bundle of nerves. I felt like I'd been bungee jumping all afternoon, and it appears, that so did they.The next hour was spent with furious e-mails back and forth about how I absolutely had to go into the man's office and reveal my identity. Greg was shrieking that I'd gone to all this trouble, I categorically could not go home on a Friday afternoon without him knowing it was me. Puppy urged that at worst, I'd still have my friends and that God knows he's been rejected before. This caused a series of slag off's from the other two, who found the idea of the Tommy Hilfiger model being rejected, quite hysterical.I wasn't at all sure that revealing my identity was a good idea anymore. I mean hadn't I ventured out of my comfort zone enough already? What the hell would I say? I was busy typing precisely this when Sean popped his head through my door. 'Bye Kelly! Have a great weekend!' he smiled, and started the walk towards reception. 'Nooooo!!! Waaaiiit!' I thought, as I smiled the confident smile of the girl who could have any man she wanted, and waved him goodbye. Well, I'd have to SMS him then, that's all. Thank God for technology, I wish I'd invented it myself.After another grueling three way debate, I composed the SMS that would change things forever and with a war-like Kamikazi scream, I hit 'send'. 5 minutes, and no reply. Oh. My. God. I couldn't handle the pressure. Everyone replies within 5 minutes don't they? I SMS 65 words per minute for crying out loud! 5 minutes were unbearable, but 15 were downright rude.By the end of the evening, a bottle of red wine, a generous G&T as I have no idea how much to pour, and a packet of weigh less approved wine gums later, it was official. I felt like an arse. The only rational explanation was that he'd been horrified into muteness. (Mental image of pushing him around in a wheelchair, dribble rolling down his chin) Oh well. Nothing I couldn't handle, and the steady streams of SMS's came in from all over Johannesburg. I'd just hate Ricky more than anyone's hated anyone ever, in the history of the world.Next morning, I awoke at seven and checked my cell phone. I guess I'd hoped his reply had snuck in during the wee small hours, and the universe conspired to keep it from me, so I'd discover the surprise on waking. Would I be psychotic if I simply pretended the whole thing never happened? Then an SMS came through. And another. And another, and when I opened them up and saw 'Sean' on my screen, I was terrified to start reading. 'I thought it may have been you, but it would've been somewhat presumptuous of me to ask, don't you think? I'm hugely flattered, and this was very ballsy of you, but I just don't have those kind of feelings if you know what I mean. Please don't let this change anything between us'Sweet Jesus and his beautiful mother Mary. I lay there in silence, in the distance a dog barked. Maybe he's gay? I mean let's face it, I resonate particularly well in that arena. He's neat, takes care with his appearance, hands were well manicured, gels his hair which automatically sets my Gaydar off ..and he only ever talks about his best friend Simon! Oh Please!!!! If there is a God in this world, LET THE MAN BE GAY! This was my first SMS to SMS rejection, and I rummaged through many different and appropriate emotions. So this is what it felt like. Humiliating to say the least, disappointing in a way, but it amazed me to discover that all in all, I felt pretty much ok.Somewhere along the line, the purpose of the whole exercise changed, and no longer was it about the outcome, but rather that I'd had the courage to speak up. For the first time in my life, at the age of twenty - eight, I'd had the balls to tell someone I thought they were awesome. So this is why people tell you to do something that scares you every day, cos once you've taken that leap of courage, there's no going back, and the only way is up. You move into a bigger and bolder world, and with just that one action, you open the door to trying everything else you'd always been scared to attempt. It's the difference between actively participating in your life, and sitting safely in your shell, hoping life will find you. I know this now, and having experienced both, I choose to participate. I replied much to the same effect, got up and made some strong coffee. This was no day for rooibos tea. I pulled out the Yellow Pages and began to rummage, in search of a good hypnotherapist, whilst wondering which sad, sad individual listens to talk radio anyway.
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